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Why I Hate Baseball


I hate that they sing the Star Spangled Banner before every game like baseball and patriotism are one and the same.

I hate double knit uniforms.

I hate that the announcers talk too much.

I hate all the terrible stuff like artificial turf, designated hitters, and domed stadiums.

I hate that the networks look at it as entertainment

I hate that you can’t smoke a cigar at the ball park, except maybe in Havana.

I hate that a ball player making millions of dollars because of a gift and his hard work is asked his opinion on labor/management negotiations almost as much as I hate an actor being asked their opinion about politics.

I hate the Players’ Union for never once negotiating in good faith.

I hate the Owners for being weak and ignorant, and filled with the impurities of this world.

Let me go back to the Union. I hate them because they blame the Owners’ stupidity for their own failings.

And, oh yeah, I hate the Owners because they think they are.

I hate the Commissioner because he thinks the fans don’t understand how the game works.

I hate the Commissioner because he thinks he is.

But let me tell you how I really feel.

I hate the fact that I can’t throw a decent curve ball.

And, I hate the fact that I can’t hit one either

But most of all I hate what they did to Shoeless Joe Jackson.

And I couldn’t give a shit what they do to Pete Rose.

If you’re going to keep a guy out of the Hall of Fame because of what he did off the field, there’s going to be a lot of empty spaces in that Hall where some great ball players used to be.

Now, the rule is if you’re banned for life, you’re not eligible for the Hall of Fame. Pete accepted a lifetime ban. Stupid mistake #1, Pete.

In America the highest position an uneducated man can achieve is that of a professional athlete or entertainer. Pete Rose is that uneducated man

The highest position an educated man can achieve is the holder and keeper of a sacred public trust. Baseball is such a public trust and Bart Giamatti, the Commissioner back then, was such a man.

It was inevitable the 2 would clash and that Giamatti would win. Because America says it values education. Doesn’t really. Says it does.

Pete gambled, got caught, paid a fine, did some time, got banned for life.

America loves a fallen hero. When they get up. Nothing like an apology to make everyone feel better. Couldn’t do it. Stupid mistake #2, Pete.

I saw him go 5 for 5 one night from both sides of the plate. Great hitter. Got more hits than anyone. Let him in if you want to. Doesn’t matter. Any fan knows he already belongs.

Joe Jackson was an uneducated man. Illiterate, too. Was banned for life 80 years ago. He was acquitted by the courts and then banned for life by the Commissioner. Not eligible for the Hall of Fame.

There’s not many left who saw him play, but the ones that did say he had the sweetest swing of all. And when he played left field, that’s where triples went to die

Went on trial, came back innocent. Banned for life anyway.

You could look it up.

And that’s why I hate baseball."